Starting Something New

It has been a while since I’ve taken the liberty to pull up a page and start typing my thoughts. While I’m often overcome with the inclination to, I more often decline to give in. Partly because there is something a little too cathartic about typing that is often too much for the given moment. By the time I gusto the will to halt feeling my feels, open my laptop and begin typing, the moment has passed. I no longer feel the urge to let my feelings out. It’s partly because I feel a sense of responsibility to sound eloquent in my written words. I struggle to simply type out my feelings as opposed to my preferred way of ensuring my words tug at a heartstring and evoke emotions that haven’t been accessed in too long. Brain, just let me live! Gahh!

I’ve already let go of the very emotions that drew me here, however I persist upon continuing to write because I am on a journey of self betterment. Well, isn’t everyone on a journey of some sort most often self betterment? I too am one of them. But I’ve decided to take further action and began working towards more concrete goals that are achievable. Probably the only thing I’ve vaguely learned from my years at Rutgers. Smart goals. 

All this to say I’ve brought it upon myself to write more, my feelings, my thoughts, my gratitudes, my intentions, my manifestations etc. This is my way of being intentional in my daily thoughts and activities. It is my way of beginning to live consciously. If I am aware of everything I do, if I hold myself accountable for every action then I have no choice but to feel all the feelings. The feelings of shame, guilt, happiness, joy, sadness, anger, envy, gratitude etc. When I’m conscious and aware of my feelings I can then recognize what parts of me I like and don’t like. What parts of me I want to change what parts of me I want to encourage what I want to keep and what I want to remove. Already, as I’m typing this, I notice qualities that I’ve probably held for a while but are now just visible to me. 

I don’t know what each blurb is going to entail. I don’t even know if there will be blurbs everyday. I don’t know if I will continue to type or one day feel the sudden urge to shift to the seemingly becoming archaic way of pen and paper. This whole project is an enormous pile of idks.

But as I learn to navigate it, I’m fairly confident that this will be a beneficial tool in my journey of self discovery and my hope for you reading is the same as well.